I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
