Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
