My hair reeks of homosexuality.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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