I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
