So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
