she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
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