just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
