it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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