The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
