i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
