yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
