Your face is a jimmy john
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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