..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
she woke up with a sticky ear
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
