You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
