My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
