I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
