you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
