Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
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