I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
