i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
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