I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
