the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Randomize
