Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
