Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
