Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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