She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Two words: nipple clamps
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