rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize