She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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