my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I supernannyed him into submission
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
