What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
