Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
