I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
