the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
The air was thick with penises
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
