We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
