by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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