Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
