what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
