when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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