i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
