so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
