Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
There r osticjed everywhere
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
