college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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