I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
