i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
why do cheetos always look like penises
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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