afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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