WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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