tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
