I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
