I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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