thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
