I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
