I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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