Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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