Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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