good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Randomize
