He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
