I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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