Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Randomize