i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
