the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
