She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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