I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Randomize
